Oh. My. Lanta. To say I’m excited about this week’s Super (Silly) Mom interview would be like saying that Heidi Montag has had a little work done. I am beside myself with excitement. Celia Rivenbark is one of my favorite writers of all time. You heard me. EVER.
Celia got her start working in a small town newspaper at 19 and has been bringing the funny ever since. She has written a syndicated humor column for years and has written five books. (Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits; Bless Your Heart, Tramp; We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier; Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank; and You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Mornin’)I have read every single one of her books at least twice, and could quote passages from memory. But I won’t, because that would be obnoxious and really, you should just buy all of her books and try not to laugh yourself into an umbilical hernia.
Celia and I also have the same amazing agent, Jenny Bent, whom Celia says, “is like a ninja.” I’m super glad, because I know nothing about literary throwing stars and publishing nunchucks. I’m just glad to be Daniel Son in this whole Mr. Miyagi/Karate Kid analogy we’ve got going.
If you haven’t met her yet, I’m pleased to introduce you to Celia Rivenbark.
If you WERE going to start drinking in the morning so you could drink all day, what would you drink?
I’d drink Firefly Sweet Tea-Flavored Vodka with just a splash of Simply Lemonade in it. You’d be passed out long before noon but it would be in such a delicate, Southern way.
If you had to trade places with a celebrity mom who would it be and why?
Well, it sure as hell wouldn’t be Elin Woods. Bless her heart. I like to say that she has managed to accomplish the impossible: make me feel sorry for a billionaire Swedish bikini model. So who would I trade places with? Catherine Zeta-Jones. She’s the most gorgeous woman on earth and she seems to be immune to silly tabloid stuff. And Michael Douglas, though he has his demons, seems to be getting the fatherhood thing right the second time around.
How old is your daughter? Has she read any of your books?
Sophie (“the princess”) will be 13 in six weeks. She’s scanned my books but she inevitably puts them down in favor of some stupid YA read or to re-read parts of the Twilight saga that she missed in the first 432 readings. She pats my hand and says, “Now, mommie, you know I’ll get around to yours very, very soon.” It’s like she’s talking to an insecure halfwit, which she is.
My oldest daughter is 5 and just starting to understand what I do. (She repeatedly tells her teachers and random strangers at Wal-Mart, “My Momma writes Facebooks!” as if that is a full time job.) Does your daughter ask you specifically not to write about certain situations or do you just use your best judgment?
Ever since the princess turned 10, I’ve been careful to give her veto power over anything I write about her. I respect her too much not to! The surprising thing is that she has yet to kill a humor column. I was sure she wouldn’t let me run the one about how she threw up during sex-ed class but she loved it. I had to pick her up at the school nurse’s office where she was on one cot and a little boy was in the other. My husband likes to refer to that boy as “my future son-in-law” which cracks me up.
How do you deal with the Anonymous A-Holes of the world who always have something negative to say?
The anonymous a-holes are irritating but only for a second or two. I’ve worked for newspapers since I was 19 years old so I’ve had plenty of hate mail over the years. I’m pretty tough.
What is the most important thing you want your daughter to learn from you?
Tell us about your current projects.
I’ve just finished the sixth book, “For A Fat Girl You Don’t Sweat Much,” which will be published by St. Martin’s Press in summer 2011. I’ve got another book under contract with them which will come out the following year. I’ve temporarily suspended my weekly humor column to tend my ailing hubby. He’s just started six months of chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and it’s pretty grueling. At a time like this, it’s hard to “find the funny” but I’m sure I’ll be back before too long.
If you could send Super Nanny Jo Frost to any celebrity home to spend a week, where would you send her and why?
I’d send Nanny Jo Frost to the Kardashians’ home. Every damn one of them is crazy as a sprayed roach.