Nuts

Disclaimer: I have thought about whether or not to write this post for days. DAYS people. I normally just spit out every thought that pops into my head. I held back from writing this for several reasons:

1) I know there are some kids (preteen) who read my blog.

2) I didn’t want to offend anyone with delicate sensibilities.

I decided to write this post because:

1) If your kids are already on the internet surfing blogs, they aren’t going to get any new information here. Seriously, do you even KNOW what’s out there?

2) If you have delicate sensibilities, you are not my people. You should just unfollow me, delete me as a Facebook friend and never, ever read another word I write. Because I will offend you. I have the sense of humor of a 13-year-old boy. (Yes, I said boy.)

So, there. I will say this, if you send me hate mail and tell me how I’m not Christian, I will post your email, in its entirety, including your email address, on this blog and let all my peeps tell you what they think about it. I, however, will not even respond.

You’ve all been warned.

On Friday night Zeb and I returned home from a dinner date to find Aubrey, our six-year-old, still awake. I paid the babysitter and went into her room to tuck her back into her bed. She was cackling and she has one of those great wheezy laughs that make you think she is going to wet her pants at any second.

I giggled. “What’s so funny?”

“Momma, did you know…” she laughed manically, “did you KNOW that boys have nuts??”

I couldn’t help it. She’d caught me completely off guard. I collapsed on her bed, laughing.

“Yes, actually. I did. How did you know this?” We were both still snickering.

“_____ told me.” She named her best friend, who is her age, a boy and who’s name I will not divulge as I would like to remain on speaking terms with his momma.

“How exactly did this come up in conversation?” Still not a straight face from either of us. We could hardly catch our breath to talk.

“Wellllll…” She proceeded to tell me a story involving her cousin and an unfortunate bicycle accident and how she had told _____ about said accident.  He responded by saying something to the effect of, “Good thing she’s not a boy. Boys have nuts down there.”

Aubrey had tears trickling out of the corners of her eyes and she YELLED, “Nuts, nuts, nuts, NUTS, NUTS, NUTS, NUTS! Nuts! Nuts.” She tried different inflections and noise levels with each repetition.

We were still trying to breath.

“Aubrey, ” I started.

“NUTS!” She answered in a high pitched voice.

“Really, honey.” I tried not to snicker.

“Nuts,” she replied in her lowest voice.

“AUBREY!” I pulled myself together. “Honey, seriously. Look at me, look in my eyes.”

She took a deep breath, stopped laughing and looked directly in my eyes.

“Nuts,” she said it matter-of-factly this time.

We collapsed again.

“SERIOUSLY, listen Aubrey! If you say that at school they will send you to the principal’s office and spank you and if you say that to other kids you will get in so much trouble. DEEP trouble. More trouble than you’ve ever been in before. It’s fine to talk to me about stuff like this. We can laugh about it. But’s it’s NOT okay to do this at school or with your friends. Do you understand?”

She nodded. “I do. Momma, I promise I won’t say it at school.”

“Thank you.”

“But Momma?” She started.

“What?”

“NUTS!”

I smiled and shook my head. “You ain’t right. Go to sleep.”

I turned off her light and as I walked out of her room I could hear her quietly chanting, “Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts” to herself and giggling uncontrollably.

It has not come up in conversation a single time since then. She is, pardon the pun, nuts.

And look, if offended you, I’m really sorry. But I warned you AND if you are a grown up and you DIDN’T know that boys had nuts– man, were you in for a rude awakening.

Here is my question, WHERE ARE YOU PEEPS? I know you are still reading because I see your little numbers when I pull up Google Analytics, but y’all have been quiet lately and I no likey. Tell me wassup wichu.

 



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Comments

  1. Gena says

    Offended? If you are offended you have not raised REAL children! Oh, the conversations I have had with my 2 boys. You should be proud that 1) She felt comfortable talking to you & 2) She felt comfortable laughing with you about it. That’s a great mama!

    • says

      Thanks Gena! I was pretty impressed that she talked to me about it! I would have been terrified to say that to MY mom when I was little! Now? Not so much! :)

  2. says

    I think the story about your daughter is adorable, my niece has a similar sense of humor when she decided that she could call them ornaments last Christmas and giggled her way thru the tree decorating.

    Anyway I’m a new reader and mother who raised 5 kids three boys and now has three grandsons.I just couldn’t resist adding my two cents in on this one!! In our house the guys call “their stuff” twig and nuts. Not a thing wrong with any of it as far as I can see.
    jen recently posted..a little bit of

    • says

      Bwahahahaha! I love the ornaments. Because I call those Christmas Balls. Which is a whole ‘nother level of funny to me. I’ll never look at my Christmas tree the same again.

  3. Courtney says

    Robin, you are hysterical! I can’t believe you had to think about this. Reminds me of the time when Trey (he is now 23) and I got in the elevator with a heavy set older woman, and I do mean older. Trey was about three at the time and as the door closed he looked at her and asked, “Do you have a baby in your tummy?” I thought I was going to die, and there was no place to go. Fortunately, she was very kind about it. Kids do say the darndest things!!

  4. MB says

    Hey, one time (Blair will remember this) at church I thought the preacher said tallywhacker (how the heck do you spell that??) and he really said tabernacle. I said out loud, “Did he say tallllleeeyyyywhacker?” Blair and I were in stitches! It was bad. #should’vebeenlisteningtothesermoncloser

  5. Alexa says

    Hahahahaha!!! I teach 1st grade sunday school, and I had to break up a whole conversation about nuts while trying not to laugh hysterically and collapse on the floor! Love it!

    • says

      THIS is exactly why I should not be allowed to be in charge of other people’s children. I can’t NOT laugh when they say stuff like this. I have literally pretended I was crying before when Aubrey tried to cuss. She said “Dan it,” instead of “Damn it.” I acted like it was the most horrible thing she had ever done and fake cried while I laughed. I was nominated for an Oscar AND Mother of the Year. Score.

      • Justin says

        This is good stuff…… My 5 year old did something similiar one time. My wife and I have never said a cuss word (that I recall…ha) around our kids. We don’t curse really anyway, but somehow, one got into the head of our 5 year old. Probably TV (cause you’d be surprised at some of the stuff in those cartoons man,…). We were sitting in the living room having some qaulity time and out of nowhere, he says “Hey, what the hell is that?” pointing at the floor with a strange look on his face. Now immediatly, and because I could not contain it, my wife and I burst into laughter so over the top, that he stopped looking at the “thing” and turned to us and was like… “What is so funny mommy?”….. OMG, it was really funny to hear his little sweet voice say that word….. of course, we had to have the talk afterwards. I know….. I’ll get Father of the year awards now huh…..!!!!

  6. Etta Vazquez says

    Trey was about three at the time and as the door closed he looked at her and asked, “Do you have a baby in your tummy?” I thought I was going to die, and there was no place to go. You should be proud that 1) She felt comfortable talking to you & 2) She felt comfortable laughing with you about it. You would fit right in.
    Etta Vazquez recently posted..Many Mops

  7. Mary says

    I once overheard a conversation between my boys during which the 7 year old explained to the 5 year old where the penis ends and balls begin. When I mentioned it to my husband, he wanted to know the answer.

  8. says

    Which nuts? DESE NUTS!

    Ah…my day is complete. Love you much. My boys prefer balls, but you have to give it a big round sound when you say it like, “BAWLS!” There’s so much I find hilarious, but have to remind them is off limits when they’re out in the “real” world.
    Jodi recently posted..A Round of Words in 80 Days

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