Disclaimer: I have thought about whether or not to write this post for days. DAYS people. I normally just spit out every thought that pops into my head. I held back from writing this for several reasons:
1) I know there are some kids (preteen) who read my blog.
2) I didn’t want to offend anyone with delicate sensibilities.
I decided to write this post because:
1) If your kids are already on the internet surfing blogs, they aren’t going to get any new information here. Seriously, do you even KNOW what’s out there?
2) If you have delicate sensibilities, you are not my people. You should just unfollow me, delete me as a Facebook friend and never, ever read another word I write. Because I will offend you. I have the sense of humor of a 13-year-old boy. (Yes, I said boy.)
So, there. I will say this, if you send me hate mail and tell me how I’m not Christian, I will post your email, in its entirety, including your email address, on this blog and let all my peeps tell you what they think about it. I, however, will not even respond.
You’ve all been warned.
On Friday night Zeb and I returned home from a dinner date to find Aubrey, our six-year-old, still awake. I paid the babysitter and went into her room to tuck her back into her bed. She was cackling and she has one of those great wheezy laughs that make you think she is going to wet her pants at any second.
I giggled. “What’s so funny?”
“Momma, did you know…” she laughed manically, “did you KNOW that boys have nuts??”
I couldn’t help it. She’d caught me completely off guard. I collapsed on her bed, laughing.
“Yes, actually. I did. How did you know this?” We were both still snickering.
“_____ told me.” She named her best friend, who is her age, a boy and who’s name I will not divulge as I would like to remain on speaking terms with his momma.
“How exactly did this come up in conversation?” Still not a straight face from either of us. We could hardly catch our breath to talk.
“Wellllll…” She proceeded to tell me a story involving her cousin and an unfortunate bicycle accident and how she had told _____ about said accident. He responded by saying something to the effect of, “Good thing she’s not a boy. Boys have nuts down there.”
Aubrey had tears trickling out of the corners of her eyes and she YELLED, “Nuts, nuts, nuts, NUTS, NUTS, NUTS, NUTS! Nuts! Nuts.” She tried different inflections and noise levels with each repetition.
We were still trying to breath.
“Aubrey, ” I started.
“NUTS!” She answered in a high pitched voice.
“Really, honey.” I tried not to snicker.
“Nuts,” she replied in her lowest voice.
“AUBREY!” I pulled myself together. “Honey, seriously. Look at me, look in my eyes.”
She took a deep breath, stopped laughing and looked directly in my eyes.
“Nuts,” she said it matter-of-factly this time.
We collapsed again.
“SERIOUSLY, listen Aubrey! If you say that at school they will send you to the principal’s office and spank you and if you say that to other kids you will get in so much trouble. DEEP trouble. More trouble than you’ve ever been in before. It’s fine to talk to me about stuff like this. We can laugh about it. But’s it’s NOT okay to do this at school or with your friends. Do you understand?”
She nodded. “I do. Momma, I promise I won’t say it at school.”
“But Momma?” She started.
I smiled and shook my head. “You ain’t right. Go to sleep.”
I turned off her light and as I walked out of her room I could hear her quietly chanting, “Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts” to herself and giggling uncontrollably.
It has not come up in conversation a single time since then. She is, pardon the pun, nuts.
And look, if offended you, I’m really sorry. But I warned you AND if you are a grown up and you DIDN’T know that boys had nuts– man, were you in for a rude awakening.
Here is my question, WHERE ARE YOU PEEPS? I know you are still reading because I see your little numbers when I pull up Google Analytics, but y’all have been quiet lately and I no likey. Tell me wassup wichu.