I can remember crying in the back of my mom’s maroon and cream Dodge Ram van, “When I have kids I’m NEVER going to say, ‘Because I said so!'” Oh the injustices I suffered in that van. Being forced to sit in the back seat, being forced to sit beside my brother, being forced to get out of the car at school. When I was a kid I knew there were a few phrases I swore I would never say to my kids:
“Finish that. There are starving children in Africa.”
“I don’t care who made that mess I”m telling YOU to clean it up.”
“If I have to pull this car over!!”
Oh I had a plan. I would reason with my children. I would explain to them that they needed to eat their dinner to be healthy and strong. They were part of a family and must contribute to housework because we were all members of the same team and I would never ever have to threaten them. No, we would be so close. I would be so understanding.
In one of those curveballs that life likes to throw, I’ve heard some of the things that have come out of my mouth lately and I’ve realized I’m saying things I never expected to have to say to my children. Here are a few of my favorites:
“If you hadn’t licked my armpit you wouldn’t have deodorant in your mouth.”
“No panties, no dinner.”
“No hissing at the table.”
“Don’t lick the TV screen.”
“Why are there 12 toothbrushes in y’all’s bathroom? There are only three of you.”
“I wonder how much I could get for you on Craigslist.”
“I don’t care if your sister begged you to draw a butterfly on her face. You know better.”
“You can’t jump on the trampoline topless, just go ahead and write that down somewhere, it’s going to apply for the rest of your life.”
“Just because it says the marker is ‘Washable’ does NOT mean you were supposed to color the entire bottom of the tub blue.”
“Because I said so.”
And my parents score another point.
WHAT HAVE YOU SAID TO YOUR KIDS THAT YOU NEVER IMAGINED YOU’D HAVE TO SAY?