I’ve been following Jamie The Very Worst Missionary for a couple of months now. I was pretty sure that I loved her before she wrote this blog post Jesus or Zoloft– but that sealed the deal for me. Love. Her.
Y’all remember when I said that I wasn’t scared anymore? That I was fixin’ to bring me, ALL of me to the blogosphere? Well here comes some of that. Last year, I was struggling with the worst bout of depression and anxiety I’ve ever experienced in my life. I worried about the very same questions that Jamie poses. I worried that taking Zoloft was “giving in” and that it equaled spiritual failure.
There were days I couldn’t get out of the bed. There were days that Sister Wife had to drag me out of bed and make me exercise or go to the grocery store. Then there were a few really bad days when she climbed into bed with me and waited for me to lift my greasy head off the pillow.
I don’t like writing about this stuff. I didn’t and I couldn’t when I was going through it. But I have to write about it now because I get emails every. single. day. from women who have read one of the very few posts I’ve written about depression and thank me. I talked to women all over the country who are struggling with the same things and I feel like I am failing them to not be completely transparent and honest. I feel like because of what I publicly stand for–”finding the funny”– that you need to know the whole story.
You need to know that my sense of humor, that any laughter I experience or bring– is the grace of God in my life, because left to my own devices, I’d curl up into a greasy stinky ball in my bed and watch Netflix 24 hours a day. And you need to know that you can get better. It’s going to be work and it’s going to suck.
But if you go to therapy (I did) and if you take meds (if you need them and I DID! I’ll save my panic attack about the fearsome Dayton International Airport for another post for another day.) If you get help, you will get better.
So I did therapy, I take meds and I took a strong shot of Jesus with it. It was hard for me to go to church. It was bad enough that I was having to put a happy spin on all of my writing when I didn’t feel like writing at all, but I simply couldn’t go to church and smile like everything was fine. Sitting in the pew with my kids crawling all over me was torture. Making small talk between the sermon and Sunday School was excruciating.
My Give-A-Shit-O-Meter got broke– the miniscule filter that used to keep me from putting my foot in my mouth every single time I opened it, was gone. If someone asked me how I was doing, I was incapable of smiling and saying, “Fine.” I was much more likely to snarl at them and say, “I hated that song we just sang. When are we going to sing a song written in the last 500 years?”
So I hid and prayed. I went to therapy, took my meds, traveled all over the country and met women who unknowingly helped me heal myself and I clung tightly to these Scriptures. I’m sharing them here because as I said before, I have this conversation with someone EVERY SINGLE DAY. I want to be able to send them a link with my story, my verses and hopefully your comments and let them know they aren’t alone.
“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He ONLY is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.” Ps 62:5-6 ESV
“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait I say, on the Lord!” Ps 27:13-14 NKJV
“Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.” Heb 10:36 NLT
“He will have no fear of bad news, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.” Ps 112:7-8 NIV
“I’ll run the course you lay out for me if you’ll just show me how. God, teach me lessons for living so I can stay the course.” Ps 119:32-33 MSG
“Therefore my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” 1 Cor 15:58 NIV
“You’ll use the rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild & renovate, make the community livable again.” Is 58:12 MSG
“Relieve the troubles of my heart & free me from my anguish.” Ps 25:17 NIV
New year, new me.
I’m not apologizing for cussing or posting Scripture. If you don’t like it– it’s THE INTERNET! Go somewhere else.
If you need help, please ask for it. If you’ve been there, or are there now, I hope you’ll share your story with us. This is a safe place. A-holes will not be allowed in the comment section.
This post is dedicated to a very special friend of mine who is on her way out of the pit. Love you. xo